Adoption Update August 2, 2017 Just a few days before the second court date for the second set of twins.
Sometimes it is easier to ignore them. It hurts when I think of the children who are meant to be mine, but are not yet. The pain is difficult to understand. It is intricate and filled with a series of thoughts strung together leading themselves into limitless rabbit holes in a never ending day dream.
When I think of “them”, I’ll call them “my children” “the babes”. But they aren’t my children yet and they are no longer babies. “They should have already become my children at their last court date.” I think, “I should have already met them. I was so close to them and now I am too far.” I see the village in my head. The mud huts with grass roofs and dirt floors. I imagine the 4 hour ride on a 99 degree day packed in the back of an overloaded “tortro” with no air-conditioning. (A “trotro” is a 15 passenger vehicles taxi-ing 30+ people).
I think of the time we spent in their country. And all the beauty there.
I think of the wonderful people we met and miss, and the trials and heartaches they helped us through.
I think of the cultural reasons their adoption has been delayed as many times as it has.
Thinking of them always brings to mind their sad history. How they almost died. But that horrible thought paints a beautiful image of their preservation given by God and how He cares for the orphans. I think of His incredible provisions and will, of course throughout our whole lives, but more specifically in these moments that played such an important role in the babies life. Every decision that was made, moment that was planned, missionary we met, led to our knowledge and love for these “babies”.
Love? How could I love them when I have only seen a few photos? This kind of love is something few people understand. It’s the love an expectant mom feels when she longs to finally hold her baby. All she has seen is the sonogram, if that, and all she knows is that this baby is hers. Yet, this love is more intense than anything she has ever felt. I love them.
I thought we would be caring for them by their first birthday back in December. It is August, and I have yet to meet them. Though I see the blessing in this–it was easier to leave their country with my three other kids while we wait for their adoption to finalize. Should I feel guilty when I say that? I do. When we were planning the trip for our girl’s court date, we planned to stay there as long as it took to bring them home. Our reasoning was not just to build a relationship and trust before they made their huge international adjustment, but also out of a sense of parental responsibility. If while on vacation Matthew’s passport got messed up, I would never even consider leaving him with a local foster parent until it was all sorted out. He is my child I will protect, provide, and care for him no matter where we are in the world. Why should it be any different with our adopted children? It wasn’t.
As soon as we met Aaah and Ayana and especially after that court date, they were mine all the way and I wouldn’t have left them in the care of someone else unless I had no choice. Yet here I am now, praying that my second set of twins’ court date will go through this Friday. But I won’t be there. They will become mine, their name will be changed to Michelson, and I won’t be a part of it. My heart just broke again while typing that.
Even after they legally become ours, we won’t be able to bring them home for months while additional paperwork is completed. It still boggles my mind that I will meet them for the first time just weeks before I bring them home. And it won’t/can’t be a family event. I will be the only one in our sweet little family who will get to travel to the babies’ country to meet them for the first time and bring them home.
I imagine what that plane ride and homecoming will be like. It may not be as pleasant as it was with Matthew, Adah, and Ayana. The babies may be scared, fidgety, or they may just sleep. What will they think when they meet Matt and the kids for the first time? What will that be like for Matthew, Adah, and Ayana?
This makes me think of how excited they are for the babies to become a part of our family. Literally every single night since we decided to adopt the babies in December, the kids have prayed for them at bedtime. They are a part of our normal conversations. I think of what amazing big siblings the older three will be to the babies. Every time I see Matthew loving on our friends’ babies or the girls playing with their baby dolls, I think of our babies with them.
I long for them. Sometimes it is easier to ignore that pain. That is when I turn to my creator. I focus on Him. I know His plan is perfect. I know He has this all under control. There is no need to worry about their court date, the paperwork, the plane ride. And I don’t need to be sad about the passing time; because I know God has a reason for it. I sure don’t know what it is right now, but I know there there is one.
Romans 5:1-5 (NKJV)
Faith Triumphs in Trouble
5 Therefore, having been justified by faith, we havea] peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3 And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; 4 and perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
Through this time we will rest in the peace that His hope does not disappoint and that we are learning perseverance and character through our struggle.
- For the upcoming court date. Pray God’s will be done, that those who are supposed to be there will show up, and that those who need to write up reports will do so. Pray the judge shows favor. That there are no more delays with their court date.
- That their paperwork is completed efficiently, quickly and thoroughly.
- For God’s protection over the babies
- For His provision as we try to pay off the debt from the plane tickets we purchased to come home, while also paying for the babies’ childcare fee, and save for the next set of plane tickets.
- That God helps us to be faithful with the blessings He has given us.
- That God continues to guide my writing that it may glorify Him and bless others.